


Of Cabbages and Kings

by chellerrific



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: (PERHAPS??), Also they hate each other, Confessions, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gossip, Just the worst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Other, Really can’t stand, Totally despise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 07:53:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15214565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellerrific/pseuds/chellerrific
Summary: Sometimes you just need to get a little toasted with your least favorite person and dish the goss.





	Of Cabbages and Kings

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I love these two a lot. Well tbh I really love all of Beau’s relationships. Thank you Marisha for bestowing upon us this queer icon.
> 
> Not really set at any specific time, though I guess I imagine it taking place more recently rather than earlier. No spoilers though. Just two friends—sorry, two people who hate each other talking about who wants to bang whom.

“And then there were two,” Molly said, watching Nott slink upstairs.

“Woo,” Beau muttered, raising her mug. She waved to catch the bartender’s attention. “’Nother round for both of us, my good person!”

Molly propped his head on his fist, elbow resting casually on the bar. “You’re rather festive this evening.”

“No, just drunk. You’re too sober to appreciate it.”

“I’m going to take that as a challenge,” Molly said, tipping his mug back to drain it before the bartender appeared with two more drinks. “One of these days we’re going to have a proper drink-off, you and I. Seeing you like this gives me hope.”

 _“Please,”_ Beau said. “I’ve been drinking longer than you’ve been alive.”

Molly considered this, then shrugged. “That’s fair.” He started in on his next drink.

“So Molly,” Beau said, her voice a little too loud, even for her. “Who’re you gonna fuck?”

He did a spit take. “That came out of left field. Who are you, Jester?”

“Just answer the question, purple man,” she demanded.

“I… don’t know,” Molly said. “Meeting new people all the time. Could be anyone. I mean, except you.”

“Thank all of the gods who are gods,” Beau said. “Okay but like. Out of the group. There has to be someone. Like Jester is so horny for Fjord.”

“She really is, isn’t she.” The buzz in his system was getting pleasantly stronger, and he could feel himself starting to relax against the bar the way Beau was. “Not even subtle.”

Beau snorted. “What would you know about subtlety.” But it wasn’t really a question, and she kept talking. “He’s so _polite_ though. Like, what’s up with that? ‘Excuse me, hello, other people have feelings and I know how to nagi— _navigate_ them.’”

“That’s a lot of suppressed hostility towards Fjord. I was unaware you did suppressed.”

“What? Nah, man. I love that guy. He’s great. He’s just weird.”

Molly quirked an eyebrow. “Weird because he’s respectful of other people’s feelings?”

“Exactly! See, you get me.” She nodded, drinking deeply.

“Oh, honey,” was all he could say to that.

“So yeah. I think he’s kinda into it too? I dunno. Like, he obviously _‘cares for’_ her a lot—”

“Not sure why the air quotes, but yeah.”

“But now that I know that that kinda stuff in general makes him all awkward and dopey, it’s hard to say if these are, like… _pants_ feelings. Maybe he’s one of those people who just isn’t that into sex?”

Molly shrugged. “Takes all kinds.”

“Huh.” Beau mulled this over silently for a moment. “Anyway Jester definitely wants to bang him. So I kinda hope for her sake he’s at least a _little_ into it?”

“Cheers to Jester getting laid.” Molly tapped his mug against hers.

“Okay but what about _us,”_ Beau groaned.

“You could always get yourself a companion for an evening.”

“I have never paid for it and I am not about to start!” she declared. “Also, did you know that Yasha also is very awkward as well?”

“I did know that, as a matter of fact.”

“Okay, because I—”

“Beau, literally everyone knows you’re horny for Yasha,” Molly interrupted. “I wish you luck, but I can’t offer you much help there. Yasha is like a sister to me, and of course I completely hate you.”

“Fuck you too,” Beau said, amused. “Why does she have to be so _hot,_ though? _Gods…”_ She dragged the last word out, turning it into a rather pitiful moan.

Molly patted her on the back, taking another long drink.

“What about Nott, though?”

“I don’t think she’s a good alternative to Yasha, no, for a few reasons.”

Beau shoved him halfheartedly. “Not for _me,_ you chucklefuck. She did say she was an adult. I just wonder what her thing is. Like, she and Caleb are so close—”

“Don’t,” Molly said. “That would be like me and Yasha except about a hundred times worse. Don’t ever say that again. As Caleb would say, _verboten.”_

Beau squinted up at him through her drunken haze. “Yeah I don’t know what that means. Anyway I just think about it sometimes. Intellectual curiosity or what the fuck ever. I’ve never really known a goblin before. I don’t know how they get down, but I assume they must, because where else would baby goblins come from?”

“Cabbage patch,” Molly said. “That’s why they’re green.”

“That’s stupid. You’re stupid. And also, don’t think just because I’m toasted I haven’t noticed you dodged my question. I remember when Jester did her zone of truth thingy you definitely said you were attracted to someone.”

“Everyone in our group is extremely attractive. Even you, and I say this as your sworn frenemy. You’re a babe.”

“I totally am. You’re also pretty good-looking, for someone I would never in a million years under pain of death sleep with.”

“Your ability to compliment while still being insulting is so incredibly charming.” Molly smiled at her, the irony glinting in his eyes.

“Okay but come on, Molly!” Beau grabbed him by the arm and shook him back and forth a few times. “Play the game. I told you who I’m into!”

“Yeah, me and everyone else, the very first day we met.”

“Shh,” Beau said. “Shhhh. Molly. Just tell me who you want to fuck. _Molly._ Why do you insist on having shame?”

“We can’t all be you, dear.”

“But you’re so shameless about everything else!”

“That I am. And it isn’t shame in this case either, to be honest. It’s just not something I’m ready to discuss. It’s kind of delicate and I don’t know where the other party stands.”

Beau slammed her palm down on the bar top. “It’s Caleb!”

“What in the world makes you say that?”

“Because the word _delicate_ applies to _lilterally_ no one else in this group.”

“I’m so annoyed,” Molly said without heat. “You can’t even say the word ‘literally.’ You are not allowed to be that astute right now.”

Beau slapped her palm down a few more times excitedly. “It’s Caleb!” she squealed.

“Yes, fine, can we please stop announcing it to the entire tavern?”

“So how long has this been going on? What’s the attraction? Has he given you any sigals— _signals?_ Ooh, is it delicate because Nott would definitely claw your face off?”

“No, all though thank you for putting that very plausible image in my head.” He put his hands on his cheeks protectively. “It’s delicate because… well, like you said, _he_ is. I don’t want to scare him off.”

“Yeah, you can be way too fucking much a lot of the time,” Beau said.

“I gotta be me.” Molly spread his hands out in a gesture of acceptance. “He probably isn’t even in a place for any kind of relationship. It’s just a little thing on my end. I’m sure nothing will come of it. And don’t go spreading it around.” He jabbed her in the chest with his forefinger. “Fjord won’t be able to keep it from Jester, we all know what Jester would do with that knowledge, and Nott… will definitely claw my face off.”

“Okay but have you considered,” Beau said, leveling her gaze at him seriously, “that that would be really funny?”

“Beau, please. Caleb is already so damn uncomfortable with everything all the time. I don’t want to make it worse, and I don’t want him to feel like he has to avoid me. And I don’t want my face clawed off. It’s such a good face.”

“It’s all right. So like… what’s the thing? The deal? Like, you just into gingers? People who don’t bathe? Human kink?”

Molly shifted his head from side to side, then quickly stopped because that made him dizzy. “I don’t know. It kinda snuck up on me. I mean first of all have you seen his eyes. And second, he’s just so… outrageously intelligent, and witty even though he doesn’t realize it, and sensitive…”

“Ohh my god, Molly.” Beau leaned in and spoke in a stage whisper. “You don’t just want to bone him with your dick. You have _feelings_ for him. Like real actual sticky gross _feelings.”_

“You are, as usual, a beacon of maturity.”

“I am _incredibly fucking mature!”_ Beau said. “And _you_ want to bone Caleb with _feelings.”_

“Is that so bad?”

“For you, probably.”

Molly put his head in his hand, rubbing his eye with the heel. “Eh, you’re not wrong about that, I don’t think. But I’ll deal. I’m a big tiefling and I’m living my best life either way. The main thing is, he deserves happiness. If I can contribute to that in some small way, then that’s fantastic.”

Beau’s expression softened. “Aww,” she cooed, stroking his cheek. “That’s such a load of bullshit.”

“It’s—well, not _entirely,”_ Molly insisted. “Don’t you want Yasha to be happy?”

“Yeah, of course. But I also want her to fuck me into next week. Then we’re both happy. And who’s to say,” she added, wagging a finger at him, “that the key to her happiness doesn’t be… doesn’t… would not come from fucking me?”

Molly shrugged. “It could very well, I suppose. I don’t think Yasha is _un_ happy, but I do think she’s… missing something.”

Beau held up two fingers and made a scissoring motion.

“Maybe,” Molly said, finishing his drink. “Maybe.”

**Author's Note:**

> Um, I guess this is the part where I say I’m on [tumblr](http://chellerrific.tumblr.com)? If that interests you? Though I am rather scarce atm due to lack of WiFi. I’m usually considerably more obnoxious there.


End file.
